IKEA
This is my official blog, isn't it great? I've spent the last twenty minutes trying to figure out how to set up ridiculous templates and color schemes and I have absolutely no fucking idea what I've saved or changed or anything. Thankfully all this computer shit happened right after I finished high school and college, so I'm officially a retard when it comes to this kind of thing.
Anyway, so this is my first post, and I'd like to use it to express my complete and total displeasure with the IKEA furniture store that is located in Paramus, New Jersey. I am assuming that my hatred for this store extends to all IKEA stores across the globe, because their product can't be that much different simply because it comes from a store located in another state or country.
If you've never been to an IKEA, you're not missing much. Generally the stores are jam-packed with idiots who think they're getting a big bargain on coffee tables or bedroom sets, when really all they're getting is an ass-fuck because the products are made like shit and reflect their relatively inexpensive price tag. And the stores themselves are no treat. Like I said, they are jammed with idiot zombie mall-walkers, and they're so complexly arranged that they have to actually put up maps to tell you what direction you should be going. How ergonomical. One big consumer flow from the entrance to the checkout, like food getting digested through the front door and moving through the bowels of the blue/yellow box and pumped out its shithole.
Or you can take one of the cute little shortcuts to another department and feel all special! How cute!
Here's what I got at IKEA: Three dressers, two endtables and an armoire, total cost around $850. Wow, how cheap right? That's because you have to get tickets for each item, go downstairs to this giant warehouse full of flat cardboard boxes, each weighing about 600 pounds, which you have to personally lift onto a little metal dolly. Then you have to maneuver this small battleship-like cart to the checkout, where the lines rival those at DisneyWorld, all the while trying to keep from destroying stupid displays of bath sets and three for $10.00 cd-holders and other useless shit that appear to be set up specifically to serve as obstacles to test your skills. And the degenerates let their children run around like animals, knocking into you, knocking things over, screaming and cursing. The only good thing is that occasionally one runs into my cart and bounces off like a bird hitting a window, which makes me almost smile.
Anyway, after you pay, you have to put the shit in your car by yourself, and then you have to take it home and put it together by yourself, using directions consisting of pictures of morph-like people shapes assembling cartoon versions of the item you just bought. It's not that hard, except for one thing:
Seven months down the line, the shit is falling apart. The faces of the drawers on the dressers keep popping off, the bottoms of the drawers can't handle a weight-load consisting of more than 8 0r 9 t-shirts, or maybe several pairs of pants, and if you try to move the dressers and grab under the top, it pops up because it's only secured by gravity, not the little lock-screw things that are supposed to keep it secure. And when I tried fixing these problems, with screwdrivers and wood glue, the cheap fucking wood they used to make the goddamn dressers snaps and breaks like one of those faggy balsa wood gliders that I used to buy for a dollar when I was a kid.
So here is the e-mail exchange between myself and the stupid fucks at IKEA, a store I will never again shop at thanks to their complete inability to provide a decent piece of furniture. I'm still waiting to hear back from these dumb cunts, and I doubt I will.
This is what I wrote first:
I just wanted to let you know that I am wholly dissatisfied withthe products I purchased at your Paramus, NJ, store. My wife and I spent well over $700.00 for three dressers, all three of which have had problems. All three of these dressers have had broken pieces, and we have not had them for a year yet! On all three of the dressers, the bottoms of several drawers have bowed downward and have had to be held in place by duct tape. These dressers have spacious drawers, and apparently one of your selling points is not the fact that they cannot hold the weight of clothing. One of the dressers, as well as a wardrobe we purchased for our daughter, have had problems with the drawers. The small circular pieces which the bolts on the drawer face lock into constantly fall out, and when you go to open the drawer, the face pops off. I have tried gluing them shut, which has not worked. I have also found that when you tighten the locks too much, the cheap wood you use cracks, and fixing the drawer becomes an impossibility. I will continue to use your store for items such as CD and DVDholders, which are cheap and inexpensive. But never again will I spend my hard-earned money on the garbage you people are trying to pass off as decent furniture. I do not abuse my furniture, and there is absolutely no reason whatsoever that these dressers and this wardrobe should be falling apart. I would like to know what kind of an answer IKEA has for my problems. It seems that your products were not designed with durability in mind.
This is the response I got back from "Neil":
Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We apologize for any inconvenience. IKEA products carry a guarantee for material quality and workmanship. In cases where there may be a potential defect in a product, we generally recommend returning to the store (along with the item and the receipt), so that co-workers in the store are able to inspect the item. At that time, a Customer Service Representative can also arrange a refund, exchange, or credit as deemed appropriate. Thank you for selecting IKEA.
Best regards,
Neil
IKEA Customer Care Center
This got me pissed off, so I fired off this response:
Thanks Neil, but, unlike my mother-in-law, who has receipts from the last millennium, I tend to not keep receipts for products such as furniture. Generally, I expect that when I buy furniture, I'm not going to have to deal with it falling apart for a considerable length of time. Plus, if I did have the receipts, what you are essentially telling me is this; Figure out a way to get three dressers and an armoire -- which are already put together, mind you -- all the way back to the store you bought them from. Then, maybe, just maybe, the people at my local IKEA will deem my problem worthy of their time. That's not cool, Neil. Not cool at all. You people have got some racket going on there. You sell home furnishings at "discount" prices, make them look all hip and retro and unique, and then when you get it home, the products fall apart after several months. After your receipts are gone, Neil. You think the schmuck at IKEA Paramus is going to give me a refund for something I bought over 8 months ago and for something that is broken and already assembled? My point isn't that I want new stuff from you, and it isn't that I want you to fix the problems I have. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll figure out a nice, cheap, reliable way to have the problems fixed. And in lieu of that, I'll throw the garbage you pass off as quality workmanship right where it belongs: At the end of my driveway on pickup night, with the rest of my trash. In fact, as I'm writing this letter, it is dawning on me that you aren't the person I need to be exchanging e-mails with. I plan on drafting a full detailed complaint letter to IKEA to voice my displeasure. Thanks for your suggestions.
I didn't actually send that letter because I'm a lazy fuck and would rather have furniture held together with duct tape than actually do something proactive about it, but IKEA was nice enough to send this shit answer back, some cunt-drip named Connie sent it:
Thank you for your reply. Beyond 45 days, a full refund may be issued if the item is unassembled, in its original packaging and able to be returned to stock. Without a receipt, a store credit may be issued for the lowest selling price; however, this will be at the store's discretion. We do hope this information has been helpful, and we thank you for your inquiry.
Best Regards,
Connie
IKEA Customer Care Center
I haven't actually written this letter yet, but if I were to respond to Connie, it would go something like this:
Dear Connie,
You and your company epitomize what is wrong with the world today. You sell shit product and act like it's the best shit available when really I could probably cut down a tree in my backyard and carve better furniture for myself. How dare you rape my wallet for product that looks good but, in furniture terms, lasts about as long as I do in bed. (For your information, that is approximately 8 seconds). You then have the balls to tell me that I can unassemble my dressers and armoire, which I didn't know how to assemble in the first place without your instructions, and return it to the store, and if it's resellable, they'll give me the lowest possible price available.
THE FUCKING FURNITURE IS FALLING APART, CONNIE!!! If your furniture were alive, I would have to send it to a fucking leper colony because it's breaking apart! You know that if I'm telling you this, it's fucking unsellable! So I should waste my time disassembling this shit, figure out a way to haul it back to your shit shack of a store, where some high-school dropout cretin will tell me, "Oh, sorry, sir, but this is broken! We can't sell it so you can't have a refund."? And if they are generous enough to give me a refund, it will be for less than what I paid (or equivalent to what it was probably worth in the first place)?
Because you see, if the guy or gal tells me it's broken and I can't sell it, I'll have to bring this shit to IKEA company headquarters and smack you in the head with it for even daring to suggest that I bring broken product back to your store for a refund. And I'll go to jail for assault, and hopefully you'll end up a fucking dumb, retarded vegetable like Terry Schiavo, and they'll leave your feeding tube in until you fucking die, cunt.
I hope every one of your stores burns down to the ground. I hope your stock falls through the floor and every IKEA around the world gets turned into a homeless shelter where people shit and piss all over the floor.
Thanks for stealing my money and making me pay for shit.
Next time give me a little kiss, or stick your she-cock in my mouth, because when I get fucked I like to get a little mouth action, Cunty.
Fuck you.
I haven't actually sent this yet, but maybe I will one day.
By the way, this blog is fucking gay, I know, but it helps knowing I can get this stuff out there for people to read, even if they think it sucks. Let me know what you think so I can tell you to suck my balls.
Anyway, so this is my first post, and I'd like to use it to express my complete and total displeasure with the IKEA furniture store that is located in Paramus, New Jersey. I am assuming that my hatred for this store extends to all IKEA stores across the globe, because their product can't be that much different simply because it comes from a store located in another state or country.
If you've never been to an IKEA, you're not missing much. Generally the stores are jam-packed with idiots who think they're getting a big bargain on coffee tables or bedroom sets, when really all they're getting is an ass-fuck because the products are made like shit and reflect their relatively inexpensive price tag. And the stores themselves are no treat. Like I said, they are jammed with idiot zombie mall-walkers, and they're so complexly arranged that they have to actually put up maps to tell you what direction you should be going. How ergonomical. One big consumer flow from the entrance to the checkout, like food getting digested through the front door and moving through the bowels of the blue/yellow box and pumped out its shithole.
Or you can take one of the cute little shortcuts to another department and feel all special! How cute!
Here's what I got at IKEA: Three dressers, two endtables and an armoire, total cost around $850. Wow, how cheap right? That's because you have to get tickets for each item, go downstairs to this giant warehouse full of flat cardboard boxes, each weighing about 600 pounds, which you have to personally lift onto a little metal dolly. Then you have to maneuver this small battleship-like cart to the checkout, where the lines rival those at DisneyWorld, all the while trying to keep from destroying stupid displays of bath sets and three for $10.00 cd-holders and other useless shit that appear to be set up specifically to serve as obstacles to test your skills. And the degenerates let their children run around like animals, knocking into you, knocking things over, screaming and cursing. The only good thing is that occasionally one runs into my cart and bounces off like a bird hitting a window, which makes me almost smile.
Anyway, after you pay, you have to put the shit in your car by yourself, and then you have to take it home and put it together by yourself, using directions consisting of pictures of morph-like people shapes assembling cartoon versions of the item you just bought. It's not that hard, except for one thing:
Seven months down the line, the shit is falling apart. The faces of the drawers on the dressers keep popping off, the bottoms of the drawers can't handle a weight-load consisting of more than 8 0r 9 t-shirts, or maybe several pairs of pants, and if you try to move the dressers and grab under the top, it pops up because it's only secured by gravity, not the little lock-screw things that are supposed to keep it secure. And when I tried fixing these problems, with screwdrivers and wood glue, the cheap fucking wood they used to make the goddamn dressers snaps and breaks like one of those faggy balsa wood gliders that I used to buy for a dollar when I was a kid.
So here is the e-mail exchange between myself and the stupid fucks at IKEA, a store I will never again shop at thanks to their complete inability to provide a decent piece of furniture. I'm still waiting to hear back from these dumb cunts, and I doubt I will.
This is what I wrote first:
I just wanted to let you know that I am wholly dissatisfied withthe products I purchased at your Paramus, NJ, store. My wife and I spent well over $700.00 for three dressers, all three of which have had problems. All three of these dressers have had broken pieces, and we have not had them for a year yet! On all three of the dressers, the bottoms of several drawers have bowed downward and have had to be held in place by duct tape. These dressers have spacious drawers, and apparently one of your selling points is not the fact that they cannot hold the weight of clothing. One of the dressers, as well as a wardrobe we purchased for our daughter, have had problems with the drawers. The small circular pieces which the bolts on the drawer face lock into constantly fall out, and when you go to open the drawer, the face pops off. I have tried gluing them shut, which has not worked. I have also found that when you tighten the locks too much, the cheap wood you use cracks, and fixing the drawer becomes an impossibility. I will continue to use your store for items such as CD and DVDholders, which are cheap and inexpensive. But never again will I spend my hard-earned money on the garbage you people are trying to pass off as decent furniture. I do not abuse my furniture, and there is absolutely no reason whatsoever that these dressers and this wardrobe should be falling apart. I would like to know what kind of an answer IKEA has for my problems. It seems that your products were not designed with durability in mind.
This is the response I got back from "Neil":
Thank you for taking the time to contact us. We apologize for any inconvenience. IKEA products carry a guarantee for material quality and workmanship. In cases where there may be a potential defect in a product, we generally recommend returning to the store (along with the item and the receipt), so that co-workers in the store are able to inspect the item. At that time, a Customer Service Representative can also arrange a refund, exchange, or credit as deemed appropriate. Thank you for selecting IKEA.
Best regards,
Neil
IKEA Customer Care Center
This got me pissed off, so I fired off this response:
Thanks Neil, but, unlike my mother-in-law, who has receipts from the last millennium, I tend to not keep receipts for products such as furniture. Generally, I expect that when I buy furniture, I'm not going to have to deal with it falling apart for a considerable length of time. Plus, if I did have the receipts, what you are essentially telling me is this; Figure out a way to get three dressers and an armoire -- which are already put together, mind you -- all the way back to the store you bought them from. Then, maybe, just maybe, the people at my local IKEA will deem my problem worthy of their time. That's not cool, Neil. Not cool at all. You people have got some racket going on there. You sell home furnishings at "discount" prices, make them look all hip and retro and unique, and then when you get it home, the products fall apart after several months. After your receipts are gone, Neil. You think the schmuck at IKEA Paramus is going to give me a refund for something I bought over 8 months ago and for something that is broken and already assembled? My point isn't that I want new stuff from you, and it isn't that I want you to fix the problems I have. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll figure out a nice, cheap, reliable way to have the problems fixed. And in lieu of that, I'll throw the garbage you pass off as quality workmanship right where it belongs: At the end of my driveway on pickup night, with the rest of my trash. In fact, as I'm writing this letter, it is dawning on me that you aren't the person I need to be exchanging e-mails with. I plan on drafting a full detailed complaint letter to IKEA to voice my displeasure. Thanks for your suggestions.
I didn't actually send that letter because I'm a lazy fuck and would rather have furniture held together with duct tape than actually do something proactive about it, but IKEA was nice enough to send this shit answer back, some cunt-drip named Connie sent it:
Thank you for your reply. Beyond 45 days, a full refund may be issued if the item is unassembled, in its original packaging and able to be returned to stock. Without a receipt, a store credit may be issued for the lowest selling price; however, this will be at the store's discretion. We do hope this information has been helpful, and we thank you for your inquiry.
Best Regards,
Connie
IKEA Customer Care Center
I haven't actually written this letter yet, but if I were to respond to Connie, it would go something like this:
Dear Connie,
You and your company epitomize what is wrong with the world today. You sell shit product and act like it's the best shit available when really I could probably cut down a tree in my backyard and carve better furniture for myself. How dare you rape my wallet for product that looks good but, in furniture terms, lasts about as long as I do in bed. (For your information, that is approximately 8 seconds). You then have the balls to tell me that I can unassemble my dressers and armoire, which I didn't know how to assemble in the first place without your instructions, and return it to the store, and if it's resellable, they'll give me the lowest possible price available.
THE FUCKING FURNITURE IS FALLING APART, CONNIE!!! If your furniture were alive, I would have to send it to a fucking leper colony because it's breaking apart! You know that if I'm telling you this, it's fucking unsellable! So I should waste my time disassembling this shit, figure out a way to haul it back to your shit shack of a store, where some high-school dropout cretin will tell me, "Oh, sorry, sir, but this is broken! We can't sell it so you can't have a refund."? And if they are generous enough to give me a refund, it will be for less than what I paid (or equivalent to what it was probably worth in the first place)?
Because you see, if the guy or gal tells me it's broken and I can't sell it, I'll have to bring this shit to IKEA company headquarters and smack you in the head with it for even daring to suggest that I bring broken product back to your store for a refund. And I'll go to jail for assault, and hopefully you'll end up a fucking dumb, retarded vegetable like Terry Schiavo, and they'll leave your feeding tube in until you fucking die, cunt.
I hope every one of your stores burns down to the ground. I hope your stock falls through the floor and every IKEA around the world gets turned into a homeless shelter where people shit and piss all over the floor.
Thanks for stealing my money and making me pay for shit.
Next time give me a little kiss, or stick your she-cock in my mouth, because when I get fucked I like to get a little mouth action, Cunty.
Fuck you.
I haven't actually sent this yet, but maybe I will one day.
By the way, this blog is fucking gay, I know, but it helps knowing I can get this stuff out there for people to read, even if they think it sucks. Let me know what you think so I can tell you to suck my balls.
posted by VoxAngelikus | 12:58 PM
12 Comments:
great fucking rant, man. check out my experience: i hate the schaumburg ikea.
You have a good blog, I have blog on kid furniture , when ever you have time have a look. Thank you
I was just searching blogs,and I found your site, Friend! I like it!
Please accept my compliments and wishes for your happiness and success.
If you have a moment, please take a look at my site:
wood computer armoire
It pretty much covers wood computer armoire related issues.
All the best!
You stole my title. Your title can be "this blog REALLY DOES suck"
WOW, you're such a fucking moron... but at least you have a sense of humor. Who would've guessed that particle board furniture might actually suck? Or brainwashed corporate twerps might easily dance around requests for refunds or service after the fact? In reality, you're probably less of a moron now than you were. You're now wiser and more experienced.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
This is excellent my friend. Its not a joke how much effort goes in going to Ikea and realizing the crap they sell, days and months later. Good job on the rant, I bet you that Connie might already have read the letter addressed to her in this blog :)
Fantastic rant! I enjoyed it! And I can tell you that the situation is no different in the Scandinvian contries like Denmark and Sweden, where the shit is invented.
The worst thing is that you already know before you buy that it isn't the best quality you're gonna get.. But what can one do when one is a student, don't have so much money and need furniture..!!
Anyway, you hope for the best but always get fucked because the shit is broken or your personal data/order somehow gets lost in their communication system.
If you got money - never go to Ikea!
If you're medium poor - only go to Ikea for the cheap hotdogs and ice cream!
If you're a student - only buy things like cd-holders ect. and live without furniture!
ATTENTION ,ATTENTION JOIN THE TOM SHERMAN CRUSADE AGAINST EVERYTHING THAT ISNT AMERICAN HERE IN US.
Hi Goofy what are you doing here are you some kind of demonstrator?
I work for the great Clan-leader Tom Sherman. He wants to get rid of things here in US we thought were made by Americans but it wasn’t.
Sounds cooool Goofy.
But not just that. Have you listen to this latest news Sparky?
No I haven’t Goofy. Tell me.
It wasn’t any extreme Islamic fundamentalists that flew into the WTC. It was European IKEA workers who wanted to take control over this country!!! So we owe Osama Bin Laden an excuse.
OMG you’re kidding me Goofy.
It’s the truth of the day Sparky. Another thing, listen to this. Those great cars Mercedes. BMW, Porsches and Volvo. They weren’t made in Detroit by Americans they are fucking made in Germany.!!
Holy shit Goofy!!
You aint heard nothing yet Sparky. Here comes the worst. That greatest car ever made, Lexus is made by those yellow skinned Japanese.
I feel like I want to kill myself Goofy.
This country is facing a catastrophe soon mark my word . It’s great we have people like Tom Sherman who can open our eyes before it’s too late. You know Silicon Valley sparky?
Yes of course Goofy. It’s our pride and joy isn’t it. Wait a minute ..Don’t tell me Goofy you know..
Sparky , a lot of the Scientists and inventors there are not Americans.
Holy holy crap I can’t stand it any longer Goofy what the fuck are trying to tell me Goofy!!!!
No Sparky I swear by my father’s grave most of the people at Silicon come from Europe, India and China.
Goofy now I know there is a meaning with my sucking life. I will join the Tom Sherman crusade at once.
Great Sparky. Go to Tom Sherman and tell him you are a volunteer.
I can tell you its not better where the shit is invented in Denmark and Sweden,,,,??? Ha ha ha ha ha hilarious!!!!!
Michael Dalgas you write like you were wanking. its not enough you Americans weigh 400 ponds you have also low IQ. IKEA products are not made neither invented nor designed in Sweden or Denmark. You know how to read? If you do so the labels says...Made in Lithuania or Poland Thailand. Im certain you have never put your American fatass outside USA. Im Lithuanian and we are proud that we can make products for IKEA since the Swedes and the Danes are not capabale, We are much smarter than them and very much smarter than you Hippoasses
Wow! Thanks man! I was just about to buy a whole new set of furniture from ikea for my bedroom, one being a BEDFRAME! If their dressers can't hold clothes how the hell am I supposed to get my freak on in one of their beds?! I'm glad I'm doing a bit of research on ikea products. Sorry you had such a shitty experience with them.
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