Costume Party

So I work part time as a bartender at a ritzy country club, where they make me serve Grey Goose and Ketel One and all sorts of other expensive alcohol. They make so much money there that I can drop two bottles of "The Goose" (as the gay alkies like to call it when they're ordering... "Give me some of 'The Goose' straight up", they say, and then I take the bottle and smash it over their fucking heads) and the management doesn't get mad.

"Hey! Go ahead! Drop a case of champagne! What do we care! Break glasses and drop dishes with filet mignon! We'll just make more!"

Tonight I worked a Halloween costume party for one of the local town's EMS, which means dealing with drunken dickheads dressed like idiots and falling down all over the place. Added to this, there was going to be a magician, which I was a little excited about. At least there would be some entertainment, I figured, to offset the drunken stupidity I would have to endure at the bar.

And who is the first fucking guy to come up to the bar? This smug, arrogant cock-nosed prick that I went to high school with about 12 years ago. This dumb fuck is running for town council in the town over from me, and he comes up all smug, thankfully doesn't recognize me, and proceeds to order glasses of Chardonnay and vodka and tonics ("The Goose"... gotta be the fucking Goose, right?) for him and his wife, who also went to high school with me. This is a cash bar tonight, and what does this fucker do? Takes out a huge roll of cash, pays for his fucking drinks and doesn't leave a tip. He does this five times throughout the night, not leaving a single dollar of tip money. Faggot. I wish I lived in his town so I could have told him to his face that I was intentionally voting for whoever is running against him based on the lack of tips coming out of his fat wallet.

Around this time I decided to make myself a glass of water, to which I added some Rose's Lime Syrup. The resulting concoction tasted like what I imagine horse piss would taste like, and even now, after coming home, eating dinner and brushing my teeth, I still have the awful taste lurking in the back of my throat.

Here's a short list of who showed up at the Monster Mash tonight. The Big Bad Wolf and Little Red Riding Hood were there. The Wolf, unbeknownst to me, is able to knock back several Myer's Rum and Tonics as well as several chilled Absolut Vodka shots. Some idiot with white face paint trying to be the Joker and looking like a complete asshole. A guy dressed as a knight, who got shitfaced and told me he likes to shower and flop his penis all over the place. At this point in the evening I wanted to go outside and drown myself in the fountain.

Also, the werewolf showed up, a hairy ugly man who asked for pineapple juice, then gives it back and says "I don't want any ice in this." Okay. I give him pineapple juice without ice. He says, "This isn't chilled. I want this chilled." That's funny, because I want this guy to jump off a fucking bridge and die. Then he leaves me FIFTY FUCKING CENTS TIP!

There was a woman there dressed like a whore, or something like a whore. She had her tits flopping all out of her dressed and it was very hard to concentrate on making her drink when she has her titties bouncing around in front of me. And then there was the coat check girl, who wasn't dressed for the costume party, but looked like she was, with her see-thru top and fishnets and stilettoes. This bitch has 4 kids and apparently is looking for hot sex, possibly whore-like sex for money.

And finally, after waiting all night for the magician, they trot out this homosexual asshole who doesn't do actual magic tricks, like making things disappear and creating wonderful mindbending illusions. Instead they have a guy doing card tricks and ripping dollar bills in half and putting them back together, while he cracks jokes like he's Joey Gladstone entertaining the Tanner family, only 10 times more gay. I stood there watching this and started to feel like a real jerk for having gotten all excited about a fucking magician and actually expecting fucking David Copperfield to walk through the door. I was so mad at myself that I ended up taking it out on the magician. After he finished his hokey hucka-hucka schtick, he came up to the bar, all hoarse-throated and sweaty-faced, and asked me for a glass of water. After giving this twat the glass, I come out with an amazing piece of wit and ask, "Can you do any magic with this glass of water?", half trying to be a wise ass, and half kind of hoping he actually REALLY CAN do some kind of awesome magic trick.

Unfortunately for little ol' me, he just gave me a dirty look and a terse, "No, I can't" and walked away. Then I took a bottle of "THE GOOSE", jumped over the bar, broke the bottle over the back of his head and started stabbing him repeatedly until my tuxedo shirt was stained with the magician's blood.


Although, I really didn't do this last part. I did think it though, and sent nasty thoughts in his direction and hoped he'd mess up his next gig so bad that he'd be fired as a magician and have to perform tricks for senior citizens.


Before the night was through, I was wallowing in my own sorrows, though, as I came to the realization that this idiot I went to school with is the same age as me, already has his Master's, will probably end up as a state senator or some shit like that, and there I was, pulling in $83, serving him drinks, waiting to stuff my fat face with McDonald's after I left because I didn't eat a proper dinner. I suppose one day it works itself out, but for right now, all I have is a bad mixture of envy, anger, depression and greasy shitty food.

Awesome party.